Can i not drive my cunt home
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
