So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
