i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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