It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
