I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
