Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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