Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
