Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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