Moan for me like Helen Keller
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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