Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
