I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
