I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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