I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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