I think my vagina is haunted
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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