When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
