Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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