i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
