went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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