He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
