I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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