Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
