She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
