someone get that fucking seahorse.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
