I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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