Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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