i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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