i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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