Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
