I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
