I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
