Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
