Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
