If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
