watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
