shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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