If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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