Just fell off a train. Bad.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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