i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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