who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
