I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
