Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
handjob tips. give me some.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
