I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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