I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
