Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
These tits shall not be calmed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
