I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
