I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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