Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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