I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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