got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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