You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
