have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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